Shit could be worse

The end of last year and the beginning of 2020 have been gruelling. I’ve been diagnosed with psychotic depression which has made the first two weeks of the year pass in a chaotic, delusional haze and it’s been tough on me and my family. I’ve started grad school 6 months ago and the stress has been tremendous. Added to that, my boyfriend and I called it quits after 2 years of dating on account of a lot of toxic behaviour on my part.
It’s been a few tough fucking months, to say the least. It’s tough to not expect the world to be nicer to me, knowing that I’ve been through some pretty rough shit and I’m only 25.
I’m ONLY 25! Majority of my life lies ahead of me, as long as I keep my shit together and don’t hit a wall of anxiety and depression at every pitfall. It’s tough to live away from family, I’ll tell you that. Nothing heals like love does. The two weeks I spent at home with my family meant a whole lot to me, and the fact that mom calls up and checks on me holds all the weight of her love in a few minutes of “Hi, please look after yourself and I love you. I’m always there if you need me.”

I finished watching Bojack Horseman a week ago. It had themes of self-destruction, self-pity and self-loathing that strongly resonated with me. I relate to Diane’s character the most, the way she’s on the arc of self-discovery and self-improvement even if she fucks up along the way.

It’s not easy to question your value system and to admit to yourself that you’re the one who made the wrong choices and now your wounds are bleeding over everyone else. Healing is a long process, and to allow yourself a dollop of kindness and a whole lotta time is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Admitting that I’m wrong without hating myself and that my denial only serves the purpose of protecting my ego is the hill I’ll sit on and reflect for a while.

I’ve taken heed of my family’s advice, and I’m starting my day early after a good night of rest (sleep deprivation can wreak havoc). I exercise, and I meditate everyday. I’ve cut out bad habits and negativity from my life to a large extent and I try to focus on living in the moment. I’ve gotten very good at wallowing in self-pity over the years and it’s been a tough lesson to not hit that button every time something happens that I didn’t plan for. I’m also one to ponder over the past a lot, and that’s stopped too. All I want is some peace, and I’m going to grab handfuls of it whenever I get the chance.

To anyone who feels lonely and helpless, you don’t have to! Help will always be given to those who ask for it.

Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. I’ve always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it. But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: “Help would always be given at Hogwarts, to those who deserve it.” Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, those who live without love.

-Albus Dumbledore, HP and the Deathly Hallows


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