My workday usually starts with a cup of coffee on a 3rd floor balcony overlooking the parking lot. Bright idyllic mornings and a steadily increasing flow of white collared workers, diligently heading toward their destination — much like a colony of army ants.
I amuse myself by painting a story for each person that catches my eye. Someone’s tousled hair might mean a night of indulgence. Someone talking rapidly on the phone might have deadlines to meet. Things like that.
But most of all, I love drawing conclusions from their gait. It’s such an involuntary giveaway. You see a person walking toward you from 5 meters away, and you can tell quite a bit about their state of mind, even if you’re not consciously observing them.
Here is a listing and classification of certain characteristic walking styles that I have observed in both genders. Although they aren’t gender specific, but men and women do have marked differences owing to their overall frame and a lot of subtle factors.
- The Prowl
This one is tough to carry off if you don’t have the right attitude. It can come off as overconfident and smug. If done right, it gives an immediate sense of power. It’s a relatively heavy pace with slightly outward arms (picture a gorilla), slightly hunched shoulders and a dead straight gaze. It takes up space and looks great on well built men. Even short men can carry it off spectacularly. This with hooded, dark eyes that quickly dart to and fro. Something about this gait is very primal and even…dangerous. You can notice body builders, bouncers and rouge assassins walking like this.
- The I’m Sexy but I need Validation
This one’s quite easy to spot. Picture able bodied, good looking guys with great hair who recently just found out they’re quite attractive. They’re not entirely convinced, but they kinda like the attention. You can see they’re quite relaxed till a member of the opposite sex looks at them. Their hand either nervously jumps to their hair, or they have a sudden urge to pull out their phones. These people are cute.
- The Saunter
This is probably my favorite. It is exclusively for guys who know they’re hot and don’t care at all. They’re perennially relaxed and never pre-occupied with how they look or if their shoes are shiny. Picture a messy haired, sick with the flu, didn’t shower for a week Brad Pitt.
- The Hand-in-Pockets Nervous Dude
Guy’s probably in a hurry and/or has a knife hidden in his pockets. Give him way.
- The Rod-in-the-Back
Too upright. Either obese or overcompensating for a small dick. I kid, it looks quite striking on well dressed people who walk with determination. On mousy PE teachers who’s sense of authority is mainly fed by terrorizing school kids, it looks pathetic. Tricky to carry off, easy to mess up and best avoided. It’s not great for your spine.
- The Zombie
We all know this. Gender no bar. Shuffling steps, dragging the weight of the world. Picture anybody going to work on a Monday. I feel ya.
- The McGonagone
You can recognize this because it is fucking spectacular. It’s like watching a shooting star. Quick, steadfast and intimidating. Women who walk like this are automatically 100x smarter, 50x powerful and ooze oodles of style. What a wow.
- The Metronome
The feminine version of rod-in-the-back. Why must they swing their arms so much? Just why. Mostly observed in shorter women. They are generally good looking, but that ridiculous arm swinging is an instant blonde alert.
- My feet are killing me
This is inevitable if the woman is wearing heels and is not a trained model. It is as painful as it looks but it’s too late to turn back now. If you spot a woman who’s trying to smile through the pain, offer her a seat if possible and sympathize with her. Beauty comes at a price.
This is mostly observed in obese women whose thighs prevent them from adopting a naturally feminine, catlike stride. It’s not their fault, no fat-shaming here. Although, if you know you walk like this, please avoid wearing flip flops.
- Too much on my plate
These are women who have a long to-do list and don’t know where to start. They constantly change pace, tend to bump into people, are almost close to tears and have a wild look in their eyes. They tend to fiddle with their handbag/pockets, talk quickly and distractedly on the phone and seem to be getting nowhere close to checking anything off their to-do list. If you happen to walk next to someone like this, ask them to take a moment to breathe.
- The Juggernaut
This woman will bulldoze you without so much as an “Oops.” Steer clear, she is either running late or is about to catch her significant other cheating on her.
- The Veela
Absolutely gorgeous. Mostly found on rampwalks. Not a hair is out of place and that fluid stride is nothing less than Goddess-like. No one walks like that unless they’re getting paid for it.
That’s it, feel free to add some if you’d like.
CONSTANT VIGILANCE hahaha.
Lots of love. x