The pursuit

I have been thinking about how I’m in my tweens and my whole life could depend on the choices I make in this decade.

Let’s get on the same page: I’m not going to discuss my doubt or fears. I want to put this post out so I can get some clarity and also to hear what you might have to say. Also, let’s assume you’re after a successful, happy life as well.

FYI, I’m quite nihilistic about life. (WUBBALUBBADUBDUUUUUB) Everything about us and our lives is so incredibly insignificant, you’d have to really have your head up your arse to believe that everything happens around you, for you and for a reason you can’t fathom.

Well, entropy trumps all. You don’t have any control over anything. But it’s mad to live in that state of mind, and we’re all creatures of habit. Some level of routine and consistency keeps us sane.

What will you do with this sanity? You’ll try to pursue things. Mostly happiness. That can mean so many things. To a celebrity it might mean popularity and money, to a monk it might mean peace of mind and tranquility, to a homeless person it might mean two square meals and a roof over their head.

To you and I, it means a whole array of things we’ve been conditioned to believe are the keys to happiness. In a world doused with advertisements and social media, many of us just want good clothes to wear, an envious body, and shitloads of money: all to no end.

Basically, anything that would make you seem less small. Worst case scenario you’d be so fucking full of yourself, you’ll try shoving your good fortune in everyone’s face every chance you get. Best case scenario is you’ll do that without hurting people’s feelings in an obvious fashion.

I’m not judging though. On some days it makes me feel good to post a good selfie of myself. I get that dopamine rush too.

But on most days I try to be as blatantly honest to myself as possible. What am I under all these fancy clothes? Will I feel good about myself if I didn’t have the money I have now? Will I be kind to myself if my lover decides to walk away? Do I add any value to anyone’s life at all? Do I ever hold my tongue when someone is being mean when they’ve had a bad day?

Do I just pause and reflect?

tyler_durden_fight_club_wallpaper_4

Success to me means having a stable relationship with my ego. To observe more than react. To discuss ideas more than people or events.

“Self improvement is masturbation.”

It’s a Wednesday, my least favorite day of the week. Too far from the last weekend and the coming one.

Lots of love anyway

x

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