All these walls

Ah, another muse.

I’ve always found people who have LOTS of good relationships to have a common trait. They always need a shoulder. I’ve noticed that people bond more during troubled times than happy ones. I think it’s because helping someone out makes one feel needed… Important even.

I wonder how sharing your woes comes so easy to some people. Maybe I’ve been brought up to be that independent.. I remember my dad telling me once when I’d hurt myself real bad and he was cleaning up my wound. He said “Only when you have a gunshot wound, should you complain about the pain.” (Now that I think about it, it’s not a very nice thing to tell a kid lol.)

I remember these odd little things. I’d once sliced my finger with a knife while trying to open a tube of jelly. I must’ve been what, 5 or 6? I distinctly remember cleaning up all that blood and then calmly calling my mother up and telling her what had happened. She was losing her head, and I was telling her everything is fine, in that same dead-calm tone.

I somewhat feel like being so cagey and secretive is not going to do me any good. I always make it a point to try and deal with everything myself. Asking for help is something I have to.. force myself to do. It’s very frustrating. I mean, most people just breeze through stuff so easily, y’know? I always take all the stress single-handedly and then keep crying to myself about how shitty things are.

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Well EVERYONE faces shitty things, the only difference is they help each other through it. I, on the other hand, try wading through troubled waters alone. Which is pretty lonely, TBH.

Being lonely is a bad thing man. Solitude is enjoyable. Loneliness sucks. And the only solution is to share. Which I suck at. I’m pretty much doomed I guess. Maybe somewhere in the wild mess of my primitive brain, I associate asking for help as a sign of weakness. Which is wrong. Taking help doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You know you can, but it’s the smarter thing to do — to make someone else do it for you. And then there’s my overwhelming paranoia of being a burden to people. I just can’t stand the idea of bothering people, even if they volunteer to help. It’s really annoying, my close friends know of this pretty well. And that’s probably why I can count all my close friends on one hand, because the others just… Slowly make themselves scarce because I don’t go crying to them when I need a shoulder. It’s a vicious cycle.

(no)Cheers to being too fucking emotionally hard-walled.

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