About an hour ago, when I was walking back home from college, I was in awe of how MUCH time we spend thinking. It’s like some cruel irony, how we give importance to all things trivial, when actually we’re so insignificant.
Some might argue. My Inner Goddess for instance. She reckons that maybe we give the Universe existence. Maybe it is here, because we can perceive it. Yes there is evidence to prove it’s been around way before we were, but even the Big Bang is just a theory. What do we know? We spend hours and days and years thinking about all sorts of things. I feel like a captive of my own mind. I wonder if we only think to keep ourselves sane; there’s no real purpose of cognitive thought.
I wish I could meditate with my eyes open.
What, with all the little thoughts flying around in my head all the time, there is absolutely no place for peace. Like in class today. I got bored so I turned to Quora (I find it vastly entertaining). Some guy had answered to a question about whether one should drop out of college, it was along the lines of, “yes, you should drop out of college. People spend years learning things they hate. You might as well go out and get some hands-on knowledge about how the world works. Things like creativity, salesmanship, leadership, negotiation, dealing with failure; few of the things college can never teach you. The best thing is to learn something you like for a year, then start your own business, any business. It might fail, but it’ll teach you more than a degree can.”
For a good while I was wondering how would my life be if I’d just pulled myself together when I was 16 and decided to write as a career. I wouldn’t have to sit through classes over classes of how chips work, what machines are the best to do which task, how we can build all sorts of instruments which can measure every thing measurable, all the innumerable principles they work on, all the numbers that define them. Instead, I could write my heart out, I could do something I actually like doing, not something I will eventually like because I had no other choice. Needless to say, I felt pretty blue by the time class ended.
It’s like everything in your life has a deep dark pit of fears and worries associated with it. No matter how much you like doing something, there’s always some kink in the system. You just can’t stop trying to avoid failure. Like Clash of Clans for instance (it should be a class-A epidemic. It is alarmingly addictive). My mood hinges on how many stars I earned in a war.
Or my dog. I feel a slight twinge of annoyance when she greets my mom with greater excitement than she greets me.
Then there’s people. I feel drained when I’m in the company of more than 2 people. I wonder how will I ever make good contacts in life with an attitude like that. Give me a good book and some music, and I’m sorted.
I worry about whether or not I’m spending at least a little time every day to improve my life. I worry about whether I’m on the path to what I want. Thing is, what I think I need to be happy, is exactly what everyone is clamoring for too. And with my passive attitude, I just can’t stop worrying if I’m good enough. For me it’s like ‘oh I didn’t get what I want, maybe I wasn’t meant to’. I’ve never had that… Insane drive to get what I want. Maybe I haven’t found anything worthwhile yet… It’s not like I don’t try a million times. But I give up too. And I’ve heard that’s not a good thing to do.
But then again, you should know when to stop chasing. There’s a a shade of difference in knowing what you can get, and what you can’t. That’s what wisdom is all about.
But there are times when I’m utterly at peace. Like there’s nothing wrong with me, with the world; everything is just right! You wake up in the morning, perfect hair, the sky is clear and you feel like a crazy beam of sunshine; just point me at something! PZZZZT; you’re raring to go!
That’s why I love reading. When I’m not expecting anything from the book, and I’m free to interpret it the way I want to. It’s the most liberating feeling.
That is why I write. That is also why I blog. I don’t care about my page views, I don’t care about the number of followers. The only thing I could ever expect from writing publicly, is that a lost ship would find shore here, in my words.
Because in essence, we’re all the same.