I remember when I was around 15 or so, I’d stumbled upon this really disturbing sexually explicit video. I was so utterly horrified at what it showed, my eyes refused to even blink.
It was only a week later that I could feel my brain working normally again.
It so happens, that when someone tells you “you’re not old enough for this”, more often than not, they’re right.
But what happens when you are in your twenties, and are considered pretty grown up by most standards. Are there things that happen to you, which you believe you would be able to handle, but you actually can’t? You can fool yourself all you want, but deep down, you know you’re a mess.
It’s happening to me right now. I’m not writing a sob story, but I’m amazed at how little I know myself. I’ve always thought I was strong, in control of what I’m feeling, and very careful about how I handle hurt. Talking to myself and telling myself I’ll heal, doing everything to feel better. It has worked for me all the time.
Except this time. I feel JUST as miserable and lost as I felt a week ago. Or a month ago. It’s annoying that my emotions get the better of me. Crying doesn’t suffice. Talking doesn’t suffice. Writing doesn’t suffice. Having fun doesn’t suffice.
It’s like I’m trying to run away from a huge pit of despair, but I know I’m smack in the middle of it, alone.
It’s a scary place. And I don’t feel grown up at all. I want to bawl and blame it on someone. I want to scream at someone. I want to sulk for days. I want to get the fuck over with this, and I don’t know how to start.
Time heals they say. I think what they mean is, passing time will chip off bits of you. So what you’re left in the end, is a little part of yourself that went through all that shitstorm. And the rest is a new you; for better or for worse.