The old saying has it that a fool and his money are soon parted. As modern customers, we keep that adage alive by repeatedly proving its accuracy.
Day upon day, year after year, we buy more and more stuff—stuff we want, at least at the time, but don’t actually need. Having bought all the cartload of jingly-jangly stuff, we then buy magazines and books that tell us which other stuff to buy to keep all our other stuff organized.
This circle of strife could never endure without tireless efforts of the inventors and entrepreneurs who dedicate their lives to coming up with more and more useless products for us to buy, use once or twice (possibly curse at) and then retire to the Great Product Graveyard aka storeroom. Such products can be found on store shelves, late-night television and websites. Let’s take a tour of a few of the stupid products—real, actual products—available today.
POP QUIZ: While sitting at a computer, have you aver felt the urge to pee? Sure you have!
In darker times, before the dawn of the INTERNET URINAL, you probably responded by doing something crazy, such as—oh I don’t know—getting up and going to the bathroom. Well, that was very 20th century of you. Welcome to the future! The Internet Urinal is a hard plastic device into which you can relieve yourself without getting up.
Its target market includes video game enthusiasts, stock market traders, and one assumes people who like to keep their urine in a plastic container. No matter who you are though, the tremendous ease of using the Internet Urinal is invariably followed by the tremendous unease of trying to decide whether to get up and empty it or to sit next to it—and its contents—for hours. The Internet Urinal “comes with a handy female adapter” that is not especially handy if you’re not female.
The basic premise of the propane-fueled WEED TORCH is that the most effective and efficient way to get rid of small, pesky weeds in your flowerbed is to burn them to death. This may strike some people as overkill. But then again, after enduring sore knees and bad backs in pursuit of a healthy flowerbed, avid gardeners may well enjoy the novelty of incinerating their feet instead.
Apparently, there is a pandemic of squishing, squashing and flattening of fruit and snack food. How else to explain the invention of the CUP-A-CAKE, a gadget that’ll hold and heroically protect your frosted cupcake even if its bounced (or) jiggled. And there’s also a BANANA BUNKER which vows to “keep your fruit safe” as long as its shaped like a banana.
Even with all this space-age technology, you still need to go out and buy the fruits at the supermarket—the perfect opportunity to make use of the CLEAN SHOPPER, a quilted cotton liner designed to cover the seating area of a shopping cart to protect the health of your child. Why? “Because carts are covered with germs”, says the sagely website.
You know what else is covered with germs? Children!
SHOWER SHOCK is touted by its manufacturer as “the world’s first caffeinated soap!”. A catchier slogan follows it “We hope you’re gullible enough to buy this!”. Shower Shock is described as an all-vegetable-based glycerin soap, infused with caffeine that’s “gently invigorating”. To answer the question now slowly forming in your head: No! You don’t eat it!
Despite the bounty of evidence presented so far, true stupidity is not that easy to achieve. The stupidest stupid products fill a niche that we didn’t know existed, usually because they shouldn’t.
Enter the GOOD BITES CRUSTLESS SANDWICH CUTTER, a kitchen gizmo that “removes the crusts, seals the edges and slices a sandwich” all in one motion, leaving you with ample time to facepalm yourself. I’m not sure whether this product has a slogan, but if not, I propose: “The Good Bites Crustless Sandwich Cutter; Just In Case You’ve Forgotten That Knives Exist!”
Finally, the ROBOMOWER, a lawn mower that can be programmed to cut your grass automatically. Buying Robomower means you can bid goodbye to wasting precious time cutting the grass. Instead, you can say hello to having to waste precious time being pointed and ridiculed by your snickering friends and neighbors. Once Robomower is in place and fully charged you “simply set the weekly program and forget about mowing for the entire season”.
You can now use your new-found free time to sit back, relax and marvel at the heights of impulsive stupidity.